Some things are just bittersweet

So we all know that life has ups& downs, valleys& peaks, and of course many comfortable in between places. I am a hopeful optimist, and can attribute this more to nurture than nature. I like to see the glass as half full even when my gaze is hazy. This year has been a HUGE rollercoaster in my life, and June didn't seem to give me many breaks from the ride. My father lost his job, and although I'd like to think that he is still very marketable (even in his 60's) I think the next few months may be a struggle for my parents. Kind of funny to be the child worrying about the parents, but I guess that is what happens as we continue through life and the paradigm tends to shift.

Many of you know that we suffered another loss at the beginning of June with my miscarriage. Miscarriages are something that happen to plenty of women, so I do realize that is not something unique to my life. For some people it's a very private grievance. For me, I am a momma of 2 healthy girls. I am so grateful for them. I had very easy pregnancies with them, and my only complaint was that they were both born full term. I never dreamed that I would have any issues with a third pregnancy. I had announced the pregnancy on twitter early because it was just so exciting to us, and a ray of sunshine after a very cloudy time in our lives.

Anyway, it has been very difficult for me to deal with this loss. I know that I will be okay. I guess time will heal all wounds. I am probably expecting myself to bounce back too soon, I know. Just like with any loss, I have days that I feel great, and then I have others that are very difficult for me. I try to keep things in perspective remembering all of the blessings in my life. People keep asking me if we will try again for the third, and I think it's too early to say. I am dealing with a lot of feelings like guilt especially because I feel like it was my fault for wanting a third when some people struggle to even have one.

What has been bittersweet for me the last few weeks is learning of all of the friends and family members who are expecting around the time that I was. My husband's cousin has gone through three miscarriages in the past few years, and has finally been blessed with a healthy pregnancy. She is due in January, a little after I would have been. She says if she has a boy she will name it after hubby's father who passed in January. I am so happy for her, but we too had planned on naming our "boy" should we have had one after my father in law. Then I have two former college roomates who are both expecting in January. I feel like although I am thrilled for them, my wound is still very raw.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. Guess I just needed to get my feelings out. I am blessed with a wonderful husband who is my best friend, but he is a man, and sometimes they just don't get it. I think it's hard for them sometimes because they just want to offer you a solution or a way to just "fix" it and in some situations like this, there is not quick fix.

Anyway if you are reading this....thank you!

Life as a rollercoaster

Many of you know that 2012 did not start out well for us. My father in law, my husband's dad and best friend, was taken from us by the monster of cancer in January. Then last month, my cousin Jonathan passed away unexpectedly at the age of 30 due to heart issues. In April we found out some good news. We were going to be parents again. We though this was our silver lining and blessing from God. This week we learned that this was not to be, when I went to my ob appointment only to find out that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. Had a D and C performed yesterday, and I think the emotional pain of everything has been far worse than anything physical. I am focusing on all of the blessings in my life, like my two healthy girls, but still hard to understand God's ways. I know that everything does work together for good in the end, but sometimes that is so hard to comprehend. Just waiting for our silver lining. Thank you to all for the continued thoughts and prayers.